Hi, my girlfriend and I are curious into being a dominant w/ a sub. We've found a girl that we both would like but we're not sure exactly how to go about asking her. What should we do?
Allow me to suggest that you shift your mind frame from simply asking her, and think more about approaching her as you would anyone you want to be acquainted with. Regardless of whether you’re looking for occasional play or total power exchange, D/s is a relationship between people that requires a lot of communication and trust building. So you should begin that relationship the same as you would any other: make a connection, nurture it, and see if it grows into something more.
When a sub is drawn to me and my style of dominance, our rapport usually flows organically to the business end of things. It’s basic chemistry, so what I do is cultivate comfort and provide opportunities for the person to show interest, kind of like wooing them. For example, on my first date with my sub, I chose a restaurant, treated him to dinner, and offered to order for him. He was like, “Giggidy! I’m into this. Please order for me all the time.” He started asking me what he should eat for lunch. Eventually, I left an arousing voicemail for him to listen to only during lunch, giving him a hard-on while sitting at the table with his team. And he was like, “Giggidy! More intentional discomfort for me please.” The way we played off each other let me know that the energy between us was on point, and that he was ready for more structure. I then knew it was time to ask if he wanted a trial run as my sub, and to negotiate what that would mean.
Your mileage may vary because I’m in a romantic relationship with my sub, and that may not be what you’re looking for with the woman you mentioned. Still, my point is that you should listen and respond to her, rather than impose what you want on her. Especially because you’re a couple, she might be intimidated by being asked to be your sub. If instead you all get to know each other, and you let her know that D/s is an option, she could return your interest if and when she’s comfortable. Put opportunities on the table and see If she responds to you both, like when I asked my sub to order for him and he kept the ball rolling by asking me to choose his lunches. Mind you, I’d learned from extensive conversation that he would probably enjoy all the things I offered before I did so. Again, making a connection is first and foremost.
The number one thing I look for when I’m getting acquainted with a prospective sub is consistent, quality communication. Is there a mutual interest in talking at length about all kinds of things, including kink but not limited to it? Do we express ourselves with ease and grow in intimacy over time? Are the things I’m hearing adding up and reasonably jibing with my life? Use the same common sense and instincts that you would with anybody. It might help to think of the process as making a good match with a submissive person that you hope to formalize eventually, rather than asking someone to fill the position of being your sub. Even if you set terms and boundaries for your roles later, you’ll only trust each other to keep those boundaries if you start with a strong rapport.
Good luck to you.